The Week’s Shakiest, Bakiest, and Deepfakiest Headlines
BLACKS BLAST BUSTED BUST
2020 was many things, all of them bad. It was the year of COVID, the year of George Floyd, the year of riots and looting, the year of economic downturn, the year of mass retail bankruptcies, and the year of dodgy mail-in voting.
But it was also the year that social justice activists wanted Americans to know that property is, well, just property. From “progressive prosecutors” decriminalizing property crimes in cities across the nation to leftists defending the mass destruction caused by BLM, the message was clear: Property losses are no big whoop, and if you complain about them, you’re a genocidal maniac who prioritizes inanimate objects over human life.
All throughout the year, politicians and activists lectured the public about the unimportance of property damage. “Black lives matter more than property,” declared the leftist New America Foundation in June, adding that “prioritization of property” and “reverence for property” are “white supremacist” traits, and therefore “destruction of property is a direct challenge to a system built on exploitation and oppression.”
“Police are putting property over the sanctity of human life!” screeched In These Times that same month.
The Nation topped them all with a piece titled “In Defense of Destroying Property.” Yes, property should be destroyed, if doing so furthers an important cause:
What if property destruction is more than an understandable lapse of judgment and loss of control? What if it is not a frustrated, emotional reaction but a reasonable and articulate expression in itself? Refusing to incorporate acts of destruction into the political imaginary of protest deprives these acts of their political power.
So go out there, you passionate protesters, and smash things!
Wait, no, don’t smash that!
Last week, a large ceramic sculpture honoring ventilated black woman Breonna Taylor was destroyed by vandals in downtown Oakland, Calif. The bust, which frankly looked more like Willie Tyler’s puppet Lester than the Kentucky dead girl, had only been up for two weeks before it was demolished. Leo Carson, the obviously sight-impaired sculptor, blasted the vandalism as an “act of racist aggression” and called on police to vigorously find and arrest those responsible. Oakland’s mayor and city council also decried the destruction and ordered the police chief to spare no resources to apprehend those responsible.
So much for the value and necessity of property destruction as social statement. Suddenly, protecting property isn’t “white supremacy,” but an act of social justice, and vandalism isn’t an act of social justice, but “white supremacy.”
Odd how those definitions can turn on a dime.
Similar to how, last week, when loony white dude Anthony Warner blew up some property in Nashville on Christmas Day (after broadcasting a warning intended to prevent human casualties), leftist Twitter denounced the act as “domestic terrorism” because property was destroyed! But literally that same day, when leftist “Earth First” vandals sabotaged three natural-gas pumping sites in Aspen, Colo., depriving over 3,500 people (many of them elderly) of heat and hot water for days during a snowstorm, Colorado officials dismissed the notion that the attack was “terrorism,” because “only property” was destroyed.
It’s becoming increasingly difficult to determine when one can or can’t destroy property…when vandalism is “social justice” or “Nazi tyranny.”
But at least the Oakland sculptor has raised almost $30,000 to redo the bust in bronze, promising the city that the new Lester, make that Breonna, sculpture will be impervious to vandalism.
Good thing Popular Mechanics didn’t publish a manual this summer instructing activists in how to demolish bronze sculptures.
THESE BEASTS SHALL FART NO MORE
It’s always been understood that “global warming” alarmists have no regard for human life. Indeed, they see humans as parasites who are slowly killing “Mother Earth” with their insidious love of electricity and transportation and using technology to improve living conditions around the globe. “Green” activists would rather see large swaths of humans die off from curable and preventable diseases than allow developing nations to use insecticides, air-conditioning, or nuclear power.
There’s never been much doubt that at the core of the “green agenda” is the notion that this ol’ planet would be just super if not for the people. But it was always assumed that animals get a free pass, that the targets of the depopulation campaign are humans and not mankind’s four-legged friends. After all, what’s the point of saving the earth if only plants get to enjoy it?
Environmental wackos have long beefed about cow and deer farts, which are supposedly warming the atmosphere like John Goodman on taco night. But surely that’s no reason to send the poor beasts to Cowschwitz.
Think again. Last week in Portugal, construction of a gigantic “solar power park” with 650,000 panels began with the slaughtering of an entire forest. “Green energy” hucksters had handpicked a large estate in Azambuja (a district in Lisbon) for their solar panel monstrosity. The only problem was, the estate was an officially designated ecological reserve, teeming with wildlife. So in the name of saving the planet, the “greenies” contracted with a team of Spanish hunters to go into the reserve and shoot the living fuck out of everything that moves. And since the reserve had been walled in to protect the animals from poachers, once the “cull” started, the animals had nowhere to run, leading one Azambuja councilman to describe the affair as a “massacre.”
Over 540 animals—mostly farting deer and burping boar—were killed by sixteen hunters (greenies don’t mind “toxic masculinity” when it can be used in the service of a canned hunt to save the earth). Rumor has it that each kill shot was accompanied by a recording of Greta Thunberg telling the animals, “How dare you!”
Furious members of the Portuguese Institute for Nature Conservation and Forests complained that they had not given the okay to the hunt. Responding to the furor over the mass killing, the Portuguese environmental agency APA agreed to reevaluate its approval of the solar park. In response, the charlatans behind the project promised the APA that from now on they’d work to “preserve the biodiversity” of the area.
A little late for that, although there might still be a frog or two on the grounds of the estate.
Do frog farts cause global warming? Quick, someone contact AOC for her expert opinion.
“GODADDY BLESS US, EVERY ONE”
This Christmas, as Americans were doing their best to have a pleasant holiday in the face of the crippling economic and societal devastation wrought by COVID lockdowns, the 7,000 employees of tech giant GoDaddy were treated to the best-ever real-life version of A Christmas Carol…with a slightly revised ending.
GoDaddy, the Scottsdale-based domain registrar and hosting site, has long trumpeted its “social justice” cred. With its average yearly revenue of around $3 billion, GoDaddy isn’t just some faceless mega-corp. No, GoDaddy is the corporation that cares! Its website trumpets the company’s devotion to its “diverse” employees: “Nurturing a culture of diversity and inclusion is woven into the fabric of GoDaddy. Employees’ unique experiences enrich everything we do. And at the end of the day, diverse teams make us better. Allyship is an important part of GoDaddy.”
Stunning and brave!
After George Floyd had his SSL certificate permanently revoked in May, GoDaddy threw itself headfirst into BLM-mania, holding a roundtable discussion with BLM militants covering “when to use the terms ‘POC’ vs ‘Black’, and the significance of the ‘American Dream’ and if that idea still is indeed a reality for black communities in this country.” The tech giant also pledged to continue to cancel the domain registrations of “racist” sites.
Brave and stunning!
“We stand with the entire Black community and are committed to doing our part as we strive toward racial equity and justice,” the company tweeted on June 3, adding that GoDaddy was “matching employee donations to non-profit organizations dedicated to racial equality and social justice.”
Those 7,000 employees were “nudged” to give, give, give to leftist organizations, no matter the fact that the pandemic had put discretionary cash in short supply for most people. “Donate even if it hurts” was the crux of the company’s message; nothing’s more important than BLM!
But, wouldn’t you know it, that magnanimous spirit of giving didn’t extend to the company’s attitude toward those very same employees. At the beginning of December, GoDaddy let its peons know that there’d be no Christmas bonuses this year. Sorry, folks. You having a happy holiday isn’t as important as us funneling money to Democrat front groups.
But then, on Dec. 14, a miracle occurred! GoDaddy sent its workers an email stating that HQ had undergone a wondrous change of heart: There would be Christmas bonuses after all! $650 for everyone! Employees were asked to fill out a brief online form to collect their bounty.
GoDaddy employees began celebrating in the streets, singing “Thank You Very Much” from the climax of the 1970 film Scrooge.
And then the bosses revealed the truth: The email had been a hoax from corporate HQ, purposely sent to all employees to see who’d fall for it, as a way to teach them a lesson about “phishing” scams.
GoDaddy, the social justice company, quite literally tortured its depressed and deprived workers with a bait-and-switch prank designed to falsely raise their hopes and spirits at Christmastime, as part of an internal test of employee gullibility. This is the revised ending of Christmas Carol in which Scrooge tells the debtors he forgave that he was just fucking with them and they still owe, as he fires Bob Cratchit, kicks Tiny Tim in the shins, and spends the day laughing at all the suicides he caused, as Jacob Marley screams up from hell, “You dick.”
For domain owners who might want to teach GoDaddy’s execs a Christmas lesson of their own, you can find their No. 1 competitor, NameCheap, here.
WOK-COOKING THE BOOKS
Nobody doubts that the Chinese are excellent at math. One need only view the SAT scores of Chinese college applicants to know that these folks are pretty damn good with numbers. Unfortunately, the Chinese are also pretty damn good at distorting numbers. The death toll of Mao’s Great Leap Forward and Cultural Revolution is generally believed to be between 60 and 80 million. When Deng Xiaoping released the “official” figures of Mao-caused deaths following the Chairman’s demise in 1976, he put the total at a paltry 16.5 million. Since then, it’s declined steadily, with current Chinese president Xi Jinping reportedly putting the figure at somewhere around a hundred or so (and they all died from overstuffed bellies from all the amazing food that was grown courtesy of Mao’s brilliant collectivization policies).
Bottom line: Numbers from China are not to be trusted; people who know math that well are also expertly equipped to convincingly fudge their figures.
Remember Wuhan? Remember how the Chinese government boasted about its amazing COVID containment procedures there? Well, it turns out—to absolutely no one’s surprise except American journalists—that the Chinese engaged in some very creative abacus-ing with those Wuhan figures. It appears that, at the beginning of the pandemic, over ten times as many Wuhanians were infected with the bug than Chinese officials first reported. And apparently the Chinese Center for Disease Control and Prevention knew those actual infection numbers back in April, but didn’t make them public until last week.
Fortunately, COVID officials in the U.S. aren’t as deceptive…except when they are, which is usually. As when Fauci the Magnificent admitted last week that he’d purposely withheld his “actual” herd immunity projections from the public because the ordinary saps “weren’t ready to hear them yet.” At least Chinese CDC officials have the excuse that they’ll be sent to labor camps if they don’t do the government’s propagandistic bidding. All Fauci is risking is whether his biopic starring Al Pacino gets a theatrical release or goes straight to streaming.
Funny enough, back in June, the U.S. press used those phony Wuhan figures to lecture Americans for not doing as well at containment as the noble Chinese. “U.S. response to COVID-19 is worse than China’s. 100 times worse,” scolded Time magazine on June 10.
When asked if Time would be issuing a retraction in light of the amended Chinese figures, a spokesman for the venerable newsmagazine donned a sombrero and fake mustache and said, “No comprende, señor. I just thee gardener here.”
Displaying a dexterity at spinning worthy of the Yinchuan Acrobatic Troupe, the Chinese CDC used its fudged figures as yet another reason to brag, explaining that the fact that so many more people than initially thought had been infected makes the defeat of COVID in China all the more remarkable. “It indicates that China has succeeded in controlling the epidemic with Wuhan as the main battlefield, and effectively controlled the large-scale spread of the epidemic,” a Chinese CDC spokesperson told the press last week, pausing after his statement to stare straight ahead as his eyes darted shiftily back and forth while the sound of a gong was heard in the background.
Mere days after the Chinese CDC’s totally not-bullshit press conference, it was announced that a new surge of cases throughout the country will likely lead to massive travel and gathering restrictions for 2021’s Lunar New Year.
Thank heavens the U.S. will soon be led by a man who has professed blind and unyielding faith in the honesty and integrity of China. There’s certainly no reason to foresee that ending in disaster.
And speaking of people who should never, under any circumstances, be taken at their word…
American educators have had a difficult time this year, stuck at home unable to do in-person instruction because they lobbied their Democrat lapdogs to keep them stuck at home unable to do in-person instruction.
Indeed, these courageous unionized indoctrinators had to make several horrific sacrifices due to COVID.
As important as it was for public school teachers to fight for their sacred right to collect union benefits while sitting on a couch listening to social justice podcasts all day, the unfortunate by-product of this was that by refusing to actually go to work inside classrooms, these heroes were unable to do dance videos like the nation’s “beleaguered” and “overworked” nurses. Yes, it was a terrible trade-off. No videos of “brave” teachers twerking down schoolhouse hallways. Because you have to be willing to actually go to the schoolhouse for that to happen.
The other sacrifice was even worse. With union teachers staying at home, with public schools shuttered, it became increasingly difficult to physically destroy books. After all, you can’t trash a school library from your living room.
In September 2019, in a grossly underreported story, Melissa Barnett, head of English Language Arts for public schools in Washington Township, N.J., cheered the physical destruction of all books in her district that were not “diverse” enough. She tweeted a photo of a dumpster full of books with the celebratory caption, “This week, dumpsters were filled with books that should have left decades ago @TWPSchools and replaced with engaging, relevant, culturally diverse literature.”
Barnett’s tweet birthed a thread in which fellow educators applauded the district for having the guts to pulp evil books.
When a few right-wingers who object to the extermination of literature publicized the thread, Barnett and her cohorts deleted their accounts, and it was left to Washington Township Director of Secondary Education Steve Gregor to explain that the trashed books, which included Frankenstein, 1984, The Grapes of Wrath, Pride and Prejudice, Dante’s Inferno, and Slaughterhouse-Five, “were in poor condition and unreadable, dating back to the 1960s or earlier. We intended to replace them with new copies.”
Apparently, the head of the English Language Arts Department got it all wrong! The books weren’t being trashed because of “diversity.” They were just old, and the school totally intended to replace them.
Because no good school would ever send usable books to the city dump for political reasons!
The exact same story played out earlier this year, when a middle school in Minnesota was caught junking American history books, including Flag of Our Fathers; biographies of Ronald Reagan, Sitting Bull, Mark Twain, and Robert E. Lee; and histories of the American Revolution, D-Day, and the Gulf War. And once again, a nervous principal had to explain that there was no political motive behind the trashing. “Those books were just old, see? They was moth-eaten, see? Fallin’ apart, SEE? It was just a spring cleanin’. Yeah, that’s it. Spring cleanin’!”
But COVID has made public school educators stir-crazy, and a little too honest. Last week hundreds of America’s “teachers,” using the hashtag #DisruptTexts, admitted that yes, the goal is to physically destroy all “classic texts” not written in “the present-day vernacular,” especially all books “in which racism, sexism, ableism, anti-Semitism, and other forms of hate are the norm.” According to the “education heroes,” that includes Shakespeare, Homer, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Hawthorne, and even Dr. Seuss.
#DisruptTexts advocates freely admit to seeking to “trash” books that don’t measure up. Odd that nobody in the press got the hint that this was the case from all of those, you know, trashed books.
Hopefully, once in-person learning begins anew, the media can again go back to turning a blind eye to dumpsters full of “racist” books that, thanks to the very educators who trashed ’em, America’s kids wouldn’t even know how to read anyway.
The Week That Perished
The Week’s Shakiest, Bakiest, and Deepfakiest Headlines